i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
