I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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