break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
