it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
