Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
