you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
