I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
