Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
