my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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