I just cut my nipple shaving
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
