dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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