in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
