just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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