This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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