just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
