how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
