You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
