when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
