She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
