my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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