you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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