and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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