I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
