awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
