Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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