So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
