Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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