Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
