God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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