It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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