Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
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please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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