Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
