I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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