Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize