there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
this boner is exhausting
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
