Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
