You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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