i just wanna soil my oats bro
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
