That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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