evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
