Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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