Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
