i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
