he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
