He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
