God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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