I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
