She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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