boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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