im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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