We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
