I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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