It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
