i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im calling her cock vulture from now on
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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