Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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