omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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