There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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