Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
