life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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