i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
