So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
accomplished twins. life is a go
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
